You’ve probably heard it before. Maybe you’ve even said it yourself:
“I shouldn’t have to change. That’s just who I am. Take it or leave it.”
It sounds like confidence, like self-acceptance. But more often than not, it’s a defense mechanism—one that keeps us stuck.
Because real growth, real self-awareness, isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about becoming who you actually are.
And in leadership, that means making sure your intent aligns with your impact.
Coaching Leaders: Bridging the Gap Between Intent and Impact
One of the most consistent patterns I see in coaching executives and successful leaders is this: leaders rarely intend to create disengagement, resistance, or frustration—but that’s often the unintended impact of their approach.
A big part of my work is helping leaders recognize these gaps and refine how they show up so they can lead with both confidence and connection.
Let’s look at a few examples:
- A blunt, direct leader values honesty and efficiency. But in a meeting, they shut people down, dismiss concerns, and move too quickly. The intent? Get things done. The impact? The team disengages, withholds feedback, and stops pushing back on bad ideas.
- A high-achieving executive thrives on setting ambitious goals. They don’t waste time celebrating wins because there’s always another mountain to climb. The intent? Maintain momentum. The impact? Their team feels unappreciated, and motivation drops.
- A calm, easygoing leader avoids conflict to keep the peace. They let small frustrations slide—until resentment builds and they withdraw. The intent? Preserve harmony. The impact? Colleagues and employees are left guessing what’s wrong and feel disconnected.
None of these behaviors are inherently bad. But when leaders justify them with “That’s just who I am”, they limit themselves and their ability to create real influence.
Leadership Isn’t About Changing Who You Are—It’s About Becoming More of Who You Are
The most effective leaders refine how they show up so that their impact reflects their deepest values. I recently worked with a senior executive who prided herself on being direct and decisive, but her team experienced her as abrupt and unapproachable.
Through coaching, she didn’t become less direct—she became more of the leader she wanted to be by learning how to communicate with clarity and warmth. The result? A more engaged, aligned team without compromising her natural strengths.
- If you’re direct, own it—but also ensure people feel heard. Efficiency doesn’t have to come at the cost of connection.
- If you’re ambitious, great—but don’t forget to acknowledge others. Recognition isn’t an inefficient waste of time; it fuels long-term success.
- If you value harmony, that’s a strength—but not if it means avoiding hard conversations. True connection comes from honesty, not avoidance.
What’s Next?
A simple but powerful coaching question:
- Do I like the impact I’m having?
Coaching isn’t about telling leaders to be someone they’re not. It’s about helping them step into the most aligned, intentional version of themselves.
The next time you catch yourself saying, “That’s just who I am”, pause.
Take a breath.
And ask:
“But is that who I actually want to be?”
Leave a Reply