We’ve all been there. You’re in the living room at Thanksgiving having a perfectly normal conversation with, let’s say, your sister. Then suddenly, she says that one thing that irks you. You can feel it in the pit of your stomach. Your heart rate goes up. Your breathing gets shallow. You know you shouldn’t say what you’re about to say…but you just can’t help it!
You say what you know you shouldn’t say, and within seconds, the conversation goes sideways and off the rails.
You, my friend, have been triggered.
It happens to all of us; it’s part of the human experience.
I have been working with two neuroscientists for the last two years teaching leaders and coaches how to apply neuroscience into their daily lives to be more effective at work, at home, and in all areas of life.
To be triggered, or to have a strong activation in the emotional center of the brain, called the amygdala, is perfectly human and normal.
How to choose to manage your triggers though, is a skill set that can be honed through deliberate practice.
Like any skill set, while some of us may naturally be better at trigger management than others, the skill can be improved for those who have a desire to by implementing techniques to do so.
You may have heard the term “amygdala hijack” before. That means you’ve been triggered and are immediately reacting to something someone said. Usually the big emotions that hijack the amygdala are fear or anger.
Your trigger causes you to say or do something out of fear or anger that then triggers the other person!
Then you’re both triggered and saying things back and forth from the amygdala hijack!
I call this the “Trigger-A-Round”.
Just like a merry-go-round, while it may be colorful and interesting to watch, you’re going around in circles and not getting anywhere.
The Trigger-A-Round is not just confined to heated, unproductive conversations in the living room either. It happens all the time in the boardroom too!
Having coached countless executives and teams, it is crucial that leaders practice the skill of trigger and emotional management. Without this skill, meetings can turn into arguments that don’t go anywhere.
So how does one practice trigger management?
Well the first step is identifying when your amygdala is being hijacked.
The amygdala is an almond-shaped portion of the brain located near the central base. It is originally linked to survival and a very important part of our brains and existence.
However, in order to have effective and productive conversations, it is much more useful to have the amygdala be an informant that something is happening with your emotions rather than being the main driver in how you respond.
You don’t want to suppress the amygdala; you want to be able to manage it well.
The most rational, logical, “human” part of the brain is the prefrontal cortex, which is located near the front of the brain.
While the amygdala is important because it is giving you emotional information, it is the prefrontal cortex that is better suited to help you formulate a calmer, rational, well-thought out response that is less likely to trigger the other person.
One of the best ways to “move” from the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex is to:
- Identify your amygdala is being hijacked.
- Insert time before reacting. One of the best ways to insert time is to take a deep breath before saying or doing anything.
- Think about the best way to respond. Taking time to respond thoughtfully versus react emotionally can be a game changer.
- Some ways to respond thoughtfully could be:
- Ask a clarifying question without judgment or being attached to anything
- Listen objectively to really try to understand where they’re coming from
- Acknowledge their point and how their feeling then share how you see things differently and how you feel
- Acknowledge it is a sensitive topic and schedule a later time to discuss it after both parties have processed the situation and can share each other’s points of view in a productive manner
While it is true that you’re not responsible for other people’s thoughts, actions, or feelings, if your reactions to a trigger in turn trigger the other person, then you’ll continue the unproductive carousel of endless triggering, unproductive conversations, and likely less meaningful and fulfilling relationships with those who ride the Trigger-A-Round with you.
Luckily, viewing trigger and emotional management as a crucial skill set that can be honed through deliberate practice is uplifting and inspiring.
When practiced often, you will certainly have less reactive responses to triggers which can lead to more effective and meaningful connections from the living room to the boardroom!
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